Daddy is still trying to make me feel terrible today... i brought cheese out and forgot to keep it when i was done with it so when mummy asked him to keep the cheese **since he was gonna keep some stuff in the fridge anyways** he said "why should i keep for her..," then went on to remind my mom that i'm "unteachable" etc etc...
sheesh... arguing with him is tiring... coz like him, i will never back down... in the past when he said things to hurt me **like how i'm written off lah, hopeless lah etc etc...**, i would get so badly affected that i used to hide in my room and cry till the cows come home... i would get angry, sad and disappointed all at the same time... but every time i'm done with the water work, i'll still find ways to make him happy and make him like me again...
i am well aware of the fact that i'm a terrible daughter... i do things to piss him off all the time... i know i've made loads of mistakes and bad choices in the past and i'm grateful that he's always there to save me... but everytime he does, he keeps rubbing salt into my wound!! like now... he keeps bringing up the whole dog grooming saga... ok.. the dog grooming thingy was a mistake... i should never have quit school... but now i'm trying my best to get my life back on track arn't i??
i'm trying my best to make him proud of me... like i have been for as long as i live... but he always makes me feel that i'm not good enough...everyday i try to do things to make him proud but it seems like nothing i do is good enough for him...he always says that he supports me and believes in me regardless of what crazy ideas i come up with... but i know that he dosen't really believe that i will succeed coz when i fail, he starts his "I KNEW IT FROM THE START, I WAS PREPARED TO THROW THAT $$ AWAY WHEN I GAVE IT TO YOU TO DO XXX... BUT I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE BECAUSE I'M YOUR FATHER... IF I DON'T GIVE IT TO YOU, YOU'LL GET ANGRY etc etc" speech...
i'm most definately not the daughter he'd hoped for **i'm nothing like Bernice**, and i never will be... Don't get me wrong... I LOVE AND RESPECT MY DAD ALOT... He's always there to pick me up when i fall... but why does he always have to rub salt into my wound?? Sigh...when we're not having cold wars, he's my best friend... my hero.... my inspiration... and the most fun to be around...
i remember everything he used to do for me when i was a kid... he bought me everything i asked for, everything i wanted, everything i needed... even things that i didn't ask for, when he sees other kids having them he'll get one for me too coz he thought that i might like 1 as well.... everytime a new toy commercial comes on TV, all i have to do is point and say I WANT, i'll get it within 24 hrs... even when i ask for things that cannot be bought, he'll try his best to get it for me... for example, he got me the live size David Beckham cardboard advertisment that is not for sale when i walked past it and casually said EH, I WANT... haha i really don't know how he does it...
In recent years, he's changed and so have I **i guess**... we no longer get along as well as we used to... there're so much more about him that makes me wanna explode when i talk to him... the things he says are getting more and more hurtful...
i used to cry my lungs out when he said mean things to hurt me but after yesterday's arguement, i realised that i'm starting to get immuned to his insults...when he said something hurtful today, i felt my heart drop for a sec... it was like someone tied a string to my heart and gave it a hard jerk... and after that second, nothing!! i felt nothing!! so is that all that it has become?? What does it mean??
Quite honestly, i'm scared... why is the pain so short lived?? I don't wanna loose the love and respect i have for my dad... does the short lived pain mean that i'm starting not to care anymore?? the opposite of love is not hate... its indifference... is that whats happening to me?? am i gradually becoming indifferent towards my dad??
daddy is going overseas tomorrow... lets just home that when he gets back, things will get better... he always says that its his job to put me through school coz he's my father so in response to that, i shall do my best in school and build a better future for myself coz its my job as his daughter to earn heaps of $$$ and give him high return of investment in terms of the $$ he's spent on me over the years... maybe then he will finally be proud of me and we can rebuild our relationship?? sigh.. i really don't know... but i do hope so... i hope that he hasn't stopped loving me :(
emo-fied,
Chatterbox OUT...
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